Wednesday, October 13, 2010

I do my dancing before weddings, not afterward

A couple months ago I was in New Hampshire to be in the wedding of one of my best friends from college.

On the morning of the wedding, he, myself, and one of our other college BFFs broke out into an impromptu dance party in our tuxes outside the church to DJ Kool's "Let Me Clear My Throat," which we had bumping while we waited for the rest of the wedding party to arrive.

New Hampshire is pretty much just like Kentucky from what I could tell (except with different accents), so I'm not sure if the handful of random people who drove by the church and decided to slow down and honk at us were encouraging us or if they were looking to take us out to a woodshed somewhere.

Either way, no one actually pulled all the way up the driveway to the church during our half-cocked reenactment of Step Up.

What I do know is that whatever their intent, if they had approached us, they'd have totally gotten served.

Monday, October 11, 2010

The Niña, the Pinta, and the Santa... Wait. I had to work today. Where the crap is my mail???

Rejoice, for Columbus Day is upon us!

Well, those of you who get the day off work might rejoice, but others of you who get to be stuck at work might not.

At my job, it’s what we call a "non-processing day." And that, of course, means that for some reason, our company isn’t closed when it would make sense for it to be.

It means that we have to go to work, but that we aren’t able to do our regular jobs because some of the other companies and government entities that affect what we do are fortunate enough to be closed.

So, instead of a regular workday, and—conversely—instead of getting to hang out in our pajamas all day watching Judge Judy, we file paperwork, we catch up on projects we’re working on, or if we’re extra lucky, our supervisors assign us extra non-processing day projects to prevent us from surfing the Internet all day.

While I generally like the pace and the peace of non-processing days—when I’m not getting slapped with busywork, of course—I would much rather prefer extra days off from work altogether.

Especially Columbus Day.

According to one lady in my department, back in the day it used to be the kind of federal holiday that required most businesses to be closed, so, like, no one in the entire country had to work.

I’m pretty sure that's not entirely true, but at least according to my own personal childhood memories—albeit faint childhood memories—school was always closed on Columbus Day.

I don’t know if Columbus Day was phased out as the kind of federal holiday that EVERYONE gets off work (if it ever actually existed in that state) because of vague economic reasons that don’t make sense to me—like why daylight savings time lasts roughly only a week now—or if it’s because by acknowledging anything relating to Christopher Columbus in this day and age, you’re somehow being viewed under a broader conclusion jump that paints you as pretty much dipping blankets in smallpox yourself.

I can’t speak to any of that stuff; however, while THIS DUDE is all like, "HEY, LOOK AT ME! I HATE HAVING DAYS OFF WORK! I LIKE WORKING ALL THE TIME (and Columbus was likely a pretty awful guy), SO NO ONE SHOULD BE ABLE TO HAVE THIS DAY OFF AT ALL!", I can speak to what we can do get Columbus Day back off work:

Change the name.

“Heritage Day.”


It’s generic. Which is exactly why it should work.

It wouldn't include any taboo, or even borderline questionable words that people might take issue with for various reasons, like "Columbus," "Indians," "Remembrance," "Pride," "Origination," "European Oppression," or "People Were Already Living Here So You Can't Really 'Discover' It."

"Heritage Day" is just ambiguous enough that it allows people of all viewpoints to honor their respective heritages and/or their respective perspectives regarding the derivation of a Western society that provides their current existence. Or they can just celebrate the guilt they feel for simply being alive as a result of how things ultimately played out after Columbus blew up the spot.

"Heritage Day" is also generic enough that it doesn’t provide any sort of positive or negative connotations about anything, so no one should be offended by what hidden agendas are or are not actually behind it.

It's why "Thanksgiving" still works today. A much more directly sketchy history, but who thinks being thankful is bad?

So again: boom.

Let’s make this happen. You contact Congress. I’ll see if the judicial system wants in. Especially Judge Judy.

Happy Heritage Day!

(Unless "Heritage Day" is an actual holiday, or at least a Hallmark Holiday of some sort, of course. I didn't bother to look it up. But if it is, please disregard this post.)