Monday, December 27, 2010

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except the four dudes coming in the rear, in standard two-by-two cover formation.

I wonder what Santa Claus is up to right now?

Sure, we all knew what he was up to the past few days, but now he's got another whole year to prep for his next round of that sort of UPS-On-Steroids madness.

I bet he's in the studio laying down some new Christmas carols, playing high-stakes games of poker with the elves, or taking Mrs. Claus out to some sort of $1,000-per plate of cookies black tie affair.

Okay, not really.

Actually, I tend to believe Santa doesn't really eat cookies. And that he's not that fat. And that he's not that old. And that he doesn't have a long white beard.

Instead, I tend to believe Santa eats a lot of steaks and salads. And he's in pretty good shape. And that he's only in his early 50s. And he has grey scruff.

I'm more inclined to think of Santa as a highly-decorated ex-soldier named Col. Nick Klause, expertly-trained in tactical espionage, weapons, and hand-to-hand combat than I am to think of him as some sort of happy-go-lucky holiday gift distributor.

But just because he's all hardcore, it doesn't mean I don't think of him as someone who gives back.

In fact, I believe Col. Nick "Santa" Klause to be more of a socially-conscious Robin Hood kind of guy in his motivation, but with Jason Bourne's skillset, and Mattel's business model and resources.

After he left the military, he went on to do a few mercenary gigs for cash, but realized there were suffering children and families out there and wanted to bring joy to them. At the same time, he saw all the people out there who were causing suffering in the world, so he decided to take matters into his own hands.

That's when he moved to the North Pole, assembled his small army of ELVES (Elite Loyal Versatile Economist Soldiers), a unit of gruff, yet highly-educated commandos with similar socioeconomic ideologies.

Over the course of the year, Santa and his ELVES go on independent missions not sanctioned or sponsored—officially or unofficially—by any government, to raid the compounds and ships of warlords, drug lords, smugglers, pirates, and all other sorts of those types of bad dudes.

They use the resources they take from the bad guys, as well as any bad guys they manage to imprison rather than eliminate, for the fabrication and preparation of toys and presents at their maximum-security toy production facility.

Why do you think Santa picked the North Pole to set up shop? Even if the ELVES snipers wouldn't instantly pick off any escapees (which is only conjecture anyway, as no one's ever escaped), where would they escape to?


Anyway, so then, on Christmas Eve, Santa and eight of his ELVES gear up their Reign-DEER (Delivery Equipped Evasive Reconnaissance) Squadron jets to airdrop toys and food into the formerly unstable hot zones they'd previously gone into to clean up.

So, yeah.

Like I said: I wonder what Santa Claus is up to right now?