To own a sandal shop on a beach in South America. And to breakdance like a champion.

Professional Summary

Licensed professional with broad-based experience gained through progressively responsible positions. Recognized by superiors as superior to them. Described by cohorts as possessing: "abilities, capabilities, proficiencies, and a weird right thumb." Strengths include:
  • Being Awesome: Scaling skyscrapers with my bare hands and feet, knocking out grizzly bears with one punch or less, ripping stacks of phone books in half, and giving out out lots of high fives.
  • Being Nice: Helping old ladies cross the street, rescuing kittens from really tall trees, smiling a lot, and giving out lots of high fives.
  • Being Cool: Wearing sunglasses, looking around and squinting whenever I talk, saying vague things that on the surface sound deep but really don't mean anything, and giving out lots of high fives.

  • Scheming a plot to take all of Tiger Woods' money by setting him up to cheat on me so I can divorce him: 2009-'10
  • Breaking my brother out of prison: 2005
  • Single-handedly defeating terrorists with limited ammunition, but plenty of witticisms: 1988 (barefooted), 1990, 1995, and 2007
  • Traveling back in time to 1955 by accident, but making my parents become way cooler in the process: 1985
  • Writing the songs that make the whole world sing: 1973-present

  • Looking busy
  • Making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
  • Eluding the police after achieving six-star wanted status in Grand Theft Auto
  • Knowing all the lyrics to "The Humpty Dance"
  • Chillin'

  • Laureate, The Nobel Prize in Chemistry: 2007
  • 74-time Jeopardy! Champion: 2004 (all-time Jeopardy! record)
  • Academy Award winner for Performance by an actor in a leading role (Training Day, as "Alonzo Harris"): 2001
  • World Series MVP: 1994
  • Shelby County (Tenn.) Barbecue Cook-Off Champion: 1981-1997 (retired as only 17-time champion)

References available upon request